爱琳是个拥有环境生物学位的美国妞。她大学毕业后就来到中国工作。教过英语，做过环保方面的志愿工作。后来在杭州的一家互联网公司里做英文网页制作和员工英语培训的工作。她下面的几篇日记描写了有关她在那家公司下岗和其后找工的经历。

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February 04, 2003
I lost my job

Strangely enough, my life once again has become rather dreamlike. Even after opening my eyes this morning, I still feel as though I’m cascading through images in my mind. I’ve often said that my life in China sometimes resembles one long, curious dream.

But, at least now I feel somewhat more coherent to grasp the entire story than I did about 2 weeks ago.

I lost my job. If you’re surprised, just imagine how I felt that fatal afternoon of January 22nd, when the news was broken to me…rather indirectly and unclearly.

At that time, like most of my coworkers, I was looking forward to gliding smoothly into the Chinese New Year holiday.

However, I had my doubts about my job stability. There were subtle clues that accumulated from January 14th, the first day I returned to work after the new year.

First, my visa documents hadn’t been processed by the secretary. I knew they would soon expired, so I’d handed them over to her on the 14th, that first day of work. Why had they been neglected?

Second, my contract had expired, and there was no discussion of renewal. Every time I endeavored to discuss the contract with Mr. CEO, he shooed me away, citing he had matters to attend to. Mind you, I tried discussing it with him numerous times in December, as well to no avail.

But, the most suspicious clue was the day I saw a description of a new service on our website…in English. Normally, such content would have been authored by me. I began to silently panic.

I went to Mr. CEO’s office on that afternoon of January 22nd to finally discuss my contract and visa renewal.

Strangely, the moment I sat down, the stench of a lay-off lingered about the room. I felt as though I was suffocating…and weren’t the windows even open?

He said the company MAY NOT (note the lack of clarity) want to “continue our cooperation”. His reasons? He cited that, of the students studying English with me, only 7% wanted to continue attending the classes (he conveniently forgot how most of the students disliked studying English very early on). Also, he felt that I had no other useful skills to bring to the company.

At this point, he asked me to cite my skills and other capabilities. But, obviously, in my heart, I felt he’d already made up his mind. And, by then, I began having a small panic attack at the shock of the news. I need not mention how feckless I felt when I mentioned my abilities, none of which were valuable in Mr. CEO’s eyes.

What about my visa? Wouldn’t the company assist me in getting an extension? No, not according to Mr. CEO.

Half in tears and half in panic, I fled from his office. His news presented me with three rather formiddable problems: visa (since the secretary had my documents, I was unclear as to whether it had expired already or not), finding a job, and getting a new apartment.

I hastily grabbed my coworker Caroline and took a walk around the nearby streets to gather myself together. Once calmed down a bit, I called my boyfriend John. He’d been back at home for several days helping his parents out. Without hesitation, he promised to return the next day and help me sort this out.

I was bereft of safety and security the next morning. My visa had expired on the 21st of January, and I’d already been illegal for 2 days. With Mr. CEO’s unwillingness to assist with my visa, visions of fines and exportation began dancing through my head.

Relief came only with the sight of John at noon that day.

After much discussion and thought, we decided to go straight to the PSB (Public Security Bureau) ourselves. We’d checked some documentation on the internet, and realized I would neither be fined nor seriously blamed for the situation.

At the PSB, I was asked to explain, in writing, how I came to spend two days illegally in China. Being in their office was relieving…I felt the power of the law on my side. They called Mr. CEO, as it was mostly the company’s fault (about 5% my fault for trusting them too much). John and I were secretly ecstatic that Mr. CEO was getting an unpleasant surprise.

At that time, the PSB said my only recourse was to leave China. Most likely, they said, they could extend my visa for 10 days, enough time to go to Hong Kong and return here on a traveler’s visa.

John and I, that evening, thought up a list of demands for the company:

1. The right to live in my apartment (which had been provided by the company) until the end of February. (This had already been guaranteed by the secretary, who we had talked to that afternoon)

2. My salary for the month of January.

3. The cost of the visa, and any associated costs involved in getting the visa (i.e. going to Hong Kong).

4. An apology.

5. Compensation. (Perhaps stretching it a bit, but I’d been told that people who were laid off in China could receive a sum of money as a sort of workers compensation)

John accompanied me the next day (as a witness) to negotiate with the company.

This is where it got ugly. Honestly, I feel ill every time I think of the discussion I had with Mr. CEO that morning.

Of course, Mr. CEO lost face when he got that call from the PSB the day before. He was furious about it. Still, John and I had no other recourse, considering his original disinterest in my visa. I know John and I did the right thing.

Mr. CEO, of course, felt otherwise.

Here are some of his accusations:

1. I was wrong to go to the PSB. The company “already had preparations” in hand. (What a load of garbage!)

2. I made TOO many unreasonable demands on the company. (He mentioned me wanting to move to another apartment last year…geez, he agreed with me at that time. If it was REALLY unreasonable, he could have said NO. Simple.)

3. I don’t understand China. (Clearly sore about his loss of face…*insert curse word of choice here*)

At that time, I even felt nauseated during the talk. Fortunately, John was there to take up the slack for me. He argued with Mr. CEO in my moment of vulnerability.

While I, being a sensitive girl, was hurt by his words and angry tone of voice, John knew Mr. CEO’s premises were unreasonable. I’ll never forget how hard he argued, especially for an apology. I never did get that apology, though John shined in that moment.

At least the company “magically” agreed to extend my visa, saving me the trouble of going to Hong Kong. I would also receive the demands of the apartment and salary. But, no compensation or apology.

Mr. CEO was like some shameless child, repeatedly asserting his “rightness” in the matter. More than anything, he selfishly spent most of the discussion trying to recover his face. His behavior made me lose any remaining respect for him I had. And, I’ll never trust him again.

The whole experience left me with a bitter taste, such that being in that office made me feel ill once again. On January 28th, I had to go back to remove some sensitive materials from my computer. Unfortunately, I didn’t finish. Yet, being in the office brought a feeling of panic and uneasiness, such that I nearly lost some important materials I’d been using to find work. I left the company in a frazzle, and had to walk several blocks before I began to calm down.

I ran into Frank, my ex-boyfriend and former coworker, that evening. He ran into me as I was walking to relax myself, and asked about what had happened.

Frank, as you may recall, was Mr. CEO’s “darling”. He authored much of the propaganda for the company, and was always included in any important company events. Naturally, I wasn’t initially interested in sharing with someone in Mr. CEO’s “inner circle”. But, on the other hand, Frank was my friend, and someone who I’d once been intimate with.

So, I told him basically what happened. Surprisingly, Frank responded with understanding and sympathy, adding that he’d changed work 5 times in Hangzhou. In any event, he invited me to call if I ever needed help, and hoped we would continue our friendship.

That short exchange warmed my heart, and oddly erased the panic I’d just felt that evening at the office.

In the aftermath, I struggled to overcome my shock, anger, and upset, as I made the preparations to find a new job. I was hypersensitive, naturally, and even more prone to panic. Of course, this caused me to quarrel a bit with John, much more than I was accustomed to.

Nevertheless, I did come across some good job leads. By the time John and I were ready to spend Chinese New Year, I already had a few work possibilities within my grasp.

I am grateful for John’s support…so encouraging through those vulnerable days, when I’d felt wounded by my encounter with Mr. CEO. He constantly reminded me of my talents and capabilities, rebuilding my confidence. John said it was his responsibility to help me…my problems are his problems. :-)