F*uck the South. F*uck \'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they\'d stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We\'re the f*ucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?
Cause we f*ucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn\'t bother to read the first half of the f*ucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were f*ucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the f*ucking monuments are up here in our backyard?
No, No. Get the f*uck out. We\'re not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and f*ucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those f*ucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for f*ucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their f*ucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don\'t get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately \"Oooooh I\'ve been a state for almost a hundred years\" dickheads. F*uck off.
Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being f*ucking arrogant? What\'s more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don\'t think so. Arrogance is the f*ucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn\'t be so f*ucking arrogant if I wasn\'t paying for your f*ucking bridges, bitch.
All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your f*ucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you\'re the ones who built on a f*ucking swamp. \"Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole,\" we said, but you had to have your f*ucking orange juice.
The next dickwad who says, \"It’s your money, not the government\'s money\" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal f*ucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherf*ucker, they\'re red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s f*ucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own f*ucking stop signs, assholes.
Let’s talk about those values for a f*ucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you f*ucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s f*ucking Massachusetts, the f*ucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the f*ucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are f*ucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to f*ucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are f*ucking red-ass we\'re-so-f*ucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its f*ucking part.
But two guys making out is going to f*ucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you\'re ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that\'s ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we f*ucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we\'re fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you\'re f*ucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that\'s a workable formula. Maybe us f*ucking Northerners don\'t talk about religion as much as you because we\'re not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you\'re too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the f*ucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain\'t us up here in the North, assholes.
Well this gravy train is f*ucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.
And no, you can\'t have your f*ucking convention in New York next time. F*uck off.
